Annoying Things To Do During a Boring Sermon

1.        Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

2.        See if a yawn really is contagious.

3.        Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

4.        Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

5.        Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

6.        Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

7.        Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

8.        Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

9.        Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

10.   Chew gum..... if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

11.   Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

12.   By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

13.   Try to raise one eyebrow.

14.   Crack your knuckles.

15.   Twiddle your thumbs.

16.   Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

17.   When the service gets long, write the time on the back of a bulletin, hold it up for the preacher to see, and up date it every five minutes.

18.   Grab the bulletin and start redesigning the church symbol.

19.   Make faces at the person on the other side of the room and see if you get other peoples attention.

20.   Produce your own light show with the overhead projector. Mouth the word "lightning" to the pastor.

21.   Say, "Amen" every time the pastor says "Lord" or "Father."

Annoying Things to Do at the Bowling Alley

1.        Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.

2.        Wear golf shoes.

3.        Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS!" Continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.

4.        Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.

5.        Explain to the owner how your game is "all sorts of messed up" due to plate tectonics, then lose him in lingo. Demand compensation.

6.        Make lewd and graphic references to your "ball". Works well on Senior Ladies night.

7.        Play bocci with extra lane balls.

8.        Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again.

9.        Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.

10.   Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.

11.   Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.

12.   Hide behind the pins, stick your head up laughing hysterically every once in a while.

13.   Use a curling weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.

14.   Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.

15.   Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.

16.   Root for the other team - bring banners.

17.   Make fun of your team - bring lettuce.

18.   Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments.

19.   Even if you miss totally, at the top of your lungs scream, “STEEEEEERIKE!”

20.   Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.

21.   Rent all the lanes, don't bowl.

22.   Blatantly underscore yourself, and then accuse the other team of cheating.

23.   When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball and run home.

24.   If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls and blame plate tectonics.

25.   Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone.

26.   Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.

27.   Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers. Leave town.

28.   Walk around asking people why they are here. Do this the whole night.

29.   Ask to use the house mike. Say you want to make an announcement, then expound on the sins of bowling.

30.   Name your ball something like "KILLER". Openly boast to everyone how great you are, throw like a wimp, do this all night.

31.   Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn.

32.   Bring a dart gun. Be inventive

33.    Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.

34.   Run around sprinkling "magic fairy dust" on everyone's balls.

35.   Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night. Don't even have a entrance fee, advertise it like crazy using every mass media known to man, make the 3rd Prize ,000 and a Porsche, the 2nd Prize ,000 and a trip to Europe and 1st Prize a coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights. Leave.

How to Annoy (Get Rid Of) A Blind Date

1.        Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

2.        Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.

3.        When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

4.        Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than he/she does.

5.        Drool.

6.        Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements..... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

7.        Hold a debate. Take both sides.

8.        At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

9.        Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

10.   Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

11.   Make funny faces at other patrons, and then sneer at their reactions.

12.   Repeat every third third word you say say.

13.   Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

14.   Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

15.   Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

16.   Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

17.   Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

18.   Order a bucket of lard.

19.   Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

20.   Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

21.   Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets

22.   Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

23.   Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

24.   Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her, "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

25.   Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

26.   Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

27.   Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

28.   Ask your date how much money they have with them.

29.   Order for your date. Order something nasty.

30.   Communicate in mime the entire evening.

31.   Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

32.   Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

33.   Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

34.   Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35.   Auction your date off for silverware.

36.   Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37.   Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38.   Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39.   Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

40.   Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41.   Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42.   Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43.   If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44.   Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45.   Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46.   Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47.   Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48.   Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49.   Accuse your date of espionage.

50.   Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51.   Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52.   Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53.   Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54.   Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55.    Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

56.   Quote Beavis & Butthead..... especially in reference to how your date would like to be pleased.

57.   Listen to violent music before going out. Recite all the expletives during your meal.

58.   After kissing him/her explain that you're doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.

59.   Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.

60.   Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body..... all lipstick..... especially if you're male.

61.   Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.

62.   Belch. Rate yourself.

63.   Complain of the effects of the acid you dropped before the meal.

64.   Comment that the table would look simply marvelous with a severed head as a centerpiece.

65.   As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate raw meat.

66.   Count your contraceptives.

67.   Stroke your thigh while commenting how much you can't wait until the meal is over.

68.   Yawn. Don't cover your mouth. Roar.

69.   When the meal is done and the question arises of whether to go someplace else, politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste for the night.