How To Annoy People In An Elevator

1.        Act like a dog, growl at people.

2.        Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”

3.        Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in....."

4.        Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.

5.        Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.

6.        Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.

7.        Ask, “Did you hear that cable snapping sound?”

8.        Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.

9.        Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

10.   Blow spit balls at the ceiling.

11.   Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

12.   Blow your nose on your sleeve.

13.   Bring a camera and take pictures of everybody in the elevator.

14.   Bring a chair along.

15.   Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them. (get them wrong)

16.   Burp, and then say “Mmm.....tasty!”

17.   Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.

18.   Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

19.   Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

20.   Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.

21.   Clutch your stomach and gasp.

22.   Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.

23.   Collect an elevator tax.

24.   Count down from 100,000 out loud.

25.   Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”

26.   Do Tai Chi exercises.

27.   Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.

28.   Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.

29.   Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

30.   Eat jello through a straw.

31.   Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "Oops!"

32.   Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.

33.   Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.

34.   Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements.

35.   Give religious tracts to each passenger.

36.   Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.

37.   Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

38.   Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.

39.   Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

40.   Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone who attempts to cross you.

41.   Have a picnic in the elevator.

42.   Have a seizure.

43.   Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”

44.   Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

45.   Hug yourself.

46.   Hum the theme from Jeopardy.

47.   Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.

48.   Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.

49.   Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.

50.   Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

51.   Leave a box between the doors.

52.   Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on; ask if they hear something ticking.

53.   Lick gummy bears and stick them to things. (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)

54.   Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

55.   Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

56.   Make sure the emergency phone is working.

57.   Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

58.   Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.

59.   Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.

60.   Offer hit man services.

61.   Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

62.   On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

63.   On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

64.   Open a lemonade stand.

65.   Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.

66.   Pick your nose.

67.   Place police tape (CRIME SCENE. DO NOT CROSS.) on the inside of the doors.

68.   Play dead.

69.   Play patty-cake with the door.

70.   Play the harmonica.

71.   Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.

72.   Pray to Buddha.

73.   Preach about the end of the world.

74.   Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

75.   Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

76.   Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

77.   Read a book upside down.

78.   Recite poetry in monotone.

79.   Request for people to watch you River dance.

80.   Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

81.   Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

82.   Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”

83.   Scratch yourself in numerous places.

84.   Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.

85.   Sell Girl Scout cookies.

86.   Shave.

87.   Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

88.   Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

89.   Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

90.   Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

91.   Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

92.   Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”

93.   Start a sing-along.

94.   Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

95.   Tap dance.

96.   Tell everyone about your love life.

97.   Tell people you can see their aura.

98.   Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.

99.   Throw a party in the vator!

100. Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.

101. Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.

102. Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.

103. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

104. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

105. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

106. Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant.

107. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

108. Wear a Santa suit.....in June.

109. Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.

110. When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming, “Let me out!”

111. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

112. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now..... motion sickness!”

113. When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”

114. When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.

115. When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.

116. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

117. When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.

118. When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.

119. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it.....quick!” then whistle innocently.

120. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

121. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.

2.        Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

3.        Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

4.        Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

5.        Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.

6.        Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"

7.        Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

8.        Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

9.        Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

10.   Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

11.   Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

12.   Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

13.   Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

14.   Say, "Now how did that get there?"

15.   Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

16.   Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

17.   Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Ways to Annoy a Yankee (Northerner)

1.        Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2.        Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3.        When giving directions, finish with, “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.

4.        Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.

5.        Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

6.        Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.

7.        Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, Jim Bob..... you get the idea)

8.        Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.

9.        Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”.

10.   Put Tabasco on everything.

11.   For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say, “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!” say, “Well, I’ll be damned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”

12.   “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.

13.   Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin to do” something.

14.   Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.

15.   When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em, "Delta's ready when you are!"

16.   Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

17.   Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

18.   Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it".

19.   When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies..... preferably the banana ones.

20.   Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)

21.   Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.

22.   Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

23.   Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.

24.   Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there....." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town."

25.   Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

Ways to Annoy Santa Claus

1.        Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2.        While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3.        Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4.        While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5.        Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6.        Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7.        Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8.        Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9.        While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10.   Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy."

11.   Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

12.   Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

13.   Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

14.   While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

15.   Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

16.   Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

17.   Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

18.   Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

19.   Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled". Threaten to sue.

20.   Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

21.   Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

1.        “Highlight” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

2.        Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Play land. Charge everyone each.

3.        Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.

4.        Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.

5.        Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

6.        Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

7.        Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “creative”.

8.        Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

9.        Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

10.   Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many”.

11.   Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

12.   Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation.

13.   Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

14.   Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily.

15.   Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

16.   Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

17.   For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

18.   Grow mold in your coffee cup.

19.   Hang mistletoe over your desk.

20.   Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.

21.   Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

22.   Insist that your e-mail address be: “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com” (or “thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com”)

23.   Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your day timer.

24.   Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans.

25.   Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

26.   Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

27.   Come to work in your pajamas.

28.   No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”

29.   Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves.

30.   Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

31.   Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

32.   Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

33.   Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

34.   Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

35.   Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”

36.   Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.

37.   Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

38.   Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

39.   Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

40.   Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc..... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none..... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

41.   Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

42.   Send an email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

43.   Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one with something like, "more to come tune in to your inbox for further developments....."

44.   Sing “It’s a Small World After All” really loud in your cubical.

45.   Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel.

46.   Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

47.   Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio.

48.   Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left.

49.   When an a person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice, "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"

50.   When in a conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.

51.   When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.

52.   Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or don’t speak with them. When they knock, ignore them.

53.   While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

54.   While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.

55.   Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.

56.   Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

57.   Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.

58.   Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

How To Be Annoying At A Funeral

1.        Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

2.        Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3.        Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4.        Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

5.        Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6.        At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7.        Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

8.        Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9.        Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10.   Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11.   Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12.   Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13.   Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14.   Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15.   Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

16.   Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17.   Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18.   Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19.   Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

20.   Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

21.   Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

22.   Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23.   If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24.   When no one’s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

25.   Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26.   At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27.   Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.